October 2, 2013

Thrashing My Way Through An Identity Crisis...

the definitions of thrash(-ing) that I think apply to my current state:
:to swing, beat, or strike in the manner of a rapidly moving flail

:to go over again and again

My word for the month.

The word thrashing was first brought to my attention by Mandy Steward at Messy Canvas who just released her book, "Thrashing About With God." A book that I know I desperately need to own and read, but will have to wait awhile for due to my current circumstances. Reading her blog posts leading up to the book release, as well as Hillary Rain's at Spirit Soul Earth, really coincided with all of these feelings, emotions and questions I have started battling with. Thrashing described me (not just my thoughts), but me as a whole PERFECTLY!

Hearing that one single word was like a light bulb going on in my brain!

That's exactly what I'm doing! Thrashing around! About every single aspect of my life! Holy crap!

At the moment though, it seems that I'm mostly thrashing around with my faith. Spirituality. Religion. Whatever label you want to put on it. Honestly though? Labels suck! I think when you label something, it means that it needs to be in a nice, neat package. Life can't be that way. Life is messy. Messy can be good and so much fun at times. Then again, sometimes it can just be plain nasty.

Trying to figure out faith, spirituality, religion can be really, really good or it can get really, really nasty. How are you supposed to figure things out for yourself when you don't have anyone to talk with about it or ask questions? When you don't have someone to guide you through the process?

That's where I'm having a lot of trouble right now. Right now I am questioning every belief I have ever had. How does this fit ME? Yeah, that's what so and so believes, but that doesn't mean it's what I have to believe. I used to think because one of my parents or a family member believed a certain thing, it meant that I had to as well. I found it easier just to go along with the majority because I wanted to please everyone. I didn't want to ruffle feathers. Plus I became so used to hearing or feeling that my thoughts, beliefs and opinions were either silly or wrong. Guess what I just realized a couple of weeks ago? I never developed myself into my own individual self! It hurts to realize that I have robbed myself.

Thrashing with my spirituality this time has led me to realize that I am honestly in an identity crisis. Who am I really? Who am I as my own individual person? My own individual person with my own individual thoughts, beliefs and opinions that do matter? I honestly don't know.

The people around me where I live? If I were to bring any of what I've been feeling/thinking up, they would freak out! It would just not go over well. They would tell me I'm wrong and that's when this topic gets nasty. That leads me back to my original question. How are you supposed to learn and figure things out when you don't have anyone to talk guide you? Someone you can talk to without being judged or labeled? Someone that can just be open-minded to questioning certain areas of life. This is a delicate area that you need to feel a sense of trust with the person. Trust does NOT come easily for me. I honestly don't think the type of person I'm hoping for exists in this world. I did have somebody like this in my life, but she's gone. Yes, I know I can pray about it, but what if that's one of the areas that you're questioning? Where do I even begin looking to figure these things out?

Hence me thrashing right now.

A big part of me feels that I have to have it all figured out right now. Right this very moment before I can let myself back out into the world. That I have to have it wrapped up in one of those neat, little packages with a nicely written label.

It's just not going to happen. At least not as quickly and neatly as my mind is telling me it has to. So it looks like I'm going to be thrashing around for awhile. I'm sure it's going to be quite the interesting and worthwhile journey.

Fresh Starts...

I am in desperate need of a fresh start. I felt that the easiest place to start was here. If you've been here before, you'll notice a lot has changed and my old posts aren't here anymore. When I looked at the titles and the content, they made me feel guilty and a lot of pressure. If it makes me feel guilty or pressured in some way, it's time to let whatever it may be go for awhile.

I'm not quite sure what kind of content is going to end up in this space, but I'm looking forward to trying to be back in this space more. 

When you stop by for a visit, make yourself at home!